This weekend I took a flying trip down to Southern Arkansas again. It was time to pick up Madison from her Dad’s in time to see my own Father for Father’s Day and to return for her to leave for church missions today.
There is something to be said for a 10 hour drive alone, and one with each of my children in the past two weeks. I love the time to think, take in all I see as I travel, and pray.  When I am with the children, the car provides an intimate place for us to gather our relationship again and enjoy just being us two.
Arrival to Arkansas meant that I unexpectedly had the pleasure of time with my older brother Bruce. He amazes me with his quick humor and fast processing each time we are together. His careful caring to details in those around his life are always a reminder of how much little things matter.
We have a new baby in the house, this one my girl, Bella, and she’s simply a lovely addition to my life right now!
hugs

   It’s that time of our family life again, Dh is deployed to Afghanistan for six months.  I didn’t see this trip coming, Dh volunteers to go as a Department of Defense guy, but the call came that he was needed immediately and we discussed it…he was out in 8 days. whew…..right in the middle of two of my business busiest weeks of the year.
    Time this week has been spent on being with just now a senior in high school boy. He’s excited about being a senior next year and Madison is away for three weeks at her dads.  Its been fun to just have the two of us to regather our closeness.
   I’ve stopped working with the studio in Nashville formally, though projects may still happen.  It was time to refocus how and where Dh and I spent our energy and to refocus on our own ministry with people, not productions with products…though it takes both for most ministries to survive.  The truth is most words are stolen from us before we get home, DVD/CD’s allow for lessons to be listened to over and over again.
   At home this six months, I am focusing on my relationship with me.  You know its pretty darn tough sometimes to let go of childhood “stuff” that keeps us from experiencing the joy God has in mind for our lives. This six months I am working on really dealing with some root issues I’ve identified….well, er…God has identified and the 2×4 blows of “deal with it” have gotten strong enough I’m listening
   She’s So There the business is fun for me.  Its hard work to market, coordinate, and write for different authors, ministries, and businesses, but its exciting for me to help bring great projects that grow great people.
   Hope you’re doing great!
 

   Spring Break our children go to their other parents homes.  We gather up the Saturday it begins and head three and a half hours on the high way to meet them halfway. We don’t have to, but we’ve found that cooperating and meeting half way is easier on all of us.  Often the children’s stepmom is who meets us as opposed to their father.  His work schedule is often difficult and it is easier all around if we meet her on the road.  Upon arrival at a restaurant or store, we exchange pleasantries and then luggage.  If a child is ill or having allergies, we talk about that too.  It’s a pleasant exchange of children and then we’re off.

   During Spring Break at our home we try very hard to take time to work on our marriage relationship.  We eat foods that only the adults enjoy, we rent movies and take walks.  This weekend we took Sunday and explored some land to build a home on in the future.  We went down the country lanes and enjoyed the beauty of the day.  These are intentional hand holding look into his eyes deeply moments….time to reconnect.

  One of my favorite things to do when the children are away is to prepare a romantic meal at home over candlelight.  I think it matters. I work on looking extra nice each evening when Les comes home and having something fun for dinner or dessert.  It helps us realize that we are a WE even with children.

  Texting with the children is this years interesting transition.  We rarely call when they are visiting for a week, for its time with their parents “there” and we want them to focus on the good times there. When we call or involve very much it could be a trigger to keep them feeling torn between our homes. The truth is we want them to have a wonderful time there, to enjoy their spring break.  Why wouldn’t we want that for them?  Every now and then the devil tries to convince me that the children will want to live there full time….we had that conversation and subsequent court issue a few years ago with one of our children…but most of the time I can simply recognize that as unnecessary fear….and if they did we would work it out. They are 13 and 16 now..and able to discuss and process why they would feel that way.

    Texting allows each of us to affirm we miss them and love them and to tell them to have a great day.  Its unobtrusive and yet a moment of communication to say “love you!” When we meet them again next Sunday we’ll plan a quiet evening and a great meal when they arrive.  It is important to me to give them 24 to 48 hours to emotionally process the transition. They come home exhausted and worn out, so its time to rest as well, then slowly we go back to our established routines by about day 3.  This allows everyone time to readjust and handle any anxiety that moving households brings.

   How do you handle transitions at your home?

Sweetie

“Why would anyone even WANT to marry someone who has been married before?”

“Are you kidding me, I wouldn’t raise someone else’s kids no matter what…”

“Ugh….two stepchildren…..Who would ever want to……?”

Sometimes words can really hurt. I think Satan works hard to keep fiery darts coming at us some days. Last week, just before I was to meet a new friend of a friend, I heard her say “Can you believe it? Jim married Sue…why in the WORLD would he EVER want to marry a two time loser in marriage and raise her two kids to boot??” She went on to explain that this new wife was probably a loser, how people who are divorced are always such “mental cases” and she was disgusted by the whole nine yards.

My heart sank into my coffee cup. There it was, judgement. I immediately put on my heart armour, for I knew the next few moments would be tough for me personally. Here I was, a soon to be new person to a person who had strong feelings about remarriage, divorce, and people just like me. You see, I fit the bill ….I’m the one someone married after two divorces with two children…..I am still that woman eight years later.

Divorce is a public sin. People know. It is not something you can hide when you remarry. My children have another Dad, he is their biological dad, though my husband Les fathers them in our home. They are very connected to their natural father too. My step children are close to their mother too, but they were reared in my home as children and teenagers. Sometimes its tough, when we moved to another state, it was sorely tempting, I have to be honest, to never mention my first or second marriage again….but you see, I am not ashamed anymore. God has forgiven me my shortcomings, heck most days its a hourly event in my life to go to God with the latest list, and I will not allow satan, Susie, or anyone else to tell me I should feel ashamed. Am I sorry? You better believe it. I would be the first to tell you ( and I believe Les would too) that if your marriage is in trouble, you want to seek help…you want to realign your relationship if at all possible….divorce is ugly and even when its friendly, it wounds and causes pain you will always bear the scars of. Les and I work with other couples both single, married, and having issues to help them NOT go through with divorces…we think its that important. We know that most families simply need help with establishing boundaries and by hosting workshops we can help families have the tools to stay together as families and step families.

In some ways I am the woman of the well. ….imperfect….a sinner….a woman with a past.

Jesus didn’t spend time berating her for her behavior but told her to go and sin no more. The other women of the village didn’t let her off so easy…didn’t you notice that she went to the well alone, a time when other women usually gathered with their friends as they worked? When Les and I decided to marry so long ago, we were very aware that we had both fallen short of God’s plan for our individual lives…but we also knew that what was in our past was over…it could not be retrieved. God beautifully restored our hearts separately and together…and later brought us together in a new marriage. We both had Biblical reasons to be divorced, however, that’s not my topic today. The truth is I was 100% responsible for 50% of my marriages failing. I can tell you today that if I had been half the wife and half the grown up I am now neither marriage most likely would have failed. You see, I married with “all the answers” the first time, I thought I was “in charge” and “knew best” I was a horrible wife. Submissionwas something you did writing a book to me, it had nothing to do with behavior at home. I shudder to think how I acted and spoke to my first husband now……I was a teacher and you would have thought he was my student the way I talked to him…..I was and am imperfect. My second marriage lasted for over a decade…and it wasn’t pretty. While I had learned many lessons and was a better wife, sometimes divorce simply isn’t your decision….and after a decade I found myself alone with two children…and a pile of debt, embarassment, shame, and horror. It took a long time for God to rebuild my heart that time…to help me find peace again….

The lunch meeting continued. I introduced myself and the new friend of a friend immediately asked what I thought about what she should say to her friend who was embarking on the new marriage to a twice divorced woman. There were a few more comments about the marriage “I hope she doesn’t expect any presents, who in the world would have a wedding? “I had to gather my calm and keep my heart armour on….but I replied “well, I don’t think I am the one to ask, you see my husband had the same issue, he married me after two divorces and I had two small children to boot, a family opposed to my remarriage, and yet I feel he is one of MY biggest blessings….we live a happily ever after life” “It’s not always been easy, we faced alot of criticism for remarrying, but we have a wonderful life together.

She looked at me as if to search my face. She looked me up and down literally as she said “No! I don’t believe that….Robin said you teach a Bible study, they wouldn’t let you if you were divorced” as though it would make her much more comfortable if I hadn’t just told her that.

sigh

the lunch went on thankfully on a different topic, my friend Robin successfully changed the subject. However I spent the rest of the day fighting the fiery darts Satan was throwing:

“See you are a freak”

“That’s what they ALL think about you behind your back”

“Why did you think you could ever deserve to have a normal life after all you’ve done”

You see, Satan uses people as bait. That woman had nothing personally against me. She didn’t know me. She had heard about me and wanted to meet me….but Satan used her to try to hurt me. Her views were simply her experience and her lack of experience with divorce herself (thankfully for her!)

We must all be aware of the questions. The statements we make without awareness of the shoes that someone else has walked. It is so very easy to judge others behavior as unacceptable, unloveable, unconsciousable…but the truth is we all are loved, forgiven, and restored if we seek God’s heart and forgiveness. I keep checking my Bible for a rating scale of sins and the truth is disobedience to God is sin…whether its in the area of divorce, pride, gluttony, or what have you….I fall short of God’s desire for my life daily, its what keeps us close as I seek His face to help me find my way….to change my heart to be more like His.

I guess my message today is to say that as long as people are humans there will always be questions….but the answers of who you are, what you are, and who you’ll be are in the Bible. It doesn’t matter what someone else thinks of you…..it truly doesn’t….my pride was wounded that day, I wanted so much to be liked, accepted, appreciated, but the truth is God didn’t tell me it was my job to be any of those things….but to love others as I love myself and to turn the other cheek when she wounded me….when others don’t accept us to wipe the sand from our sandals and move on…

I’ve done it, you’ve done it, we’ve all judged others unfairly…..its easy to do….I can remember telling my own mother that I’d NEVER do what she did with MY children….yet years later I recognize my own behavior matching hers with my teenagers….you see, from a different perspective, the situation was different….boundaries DO need to be kept with teenagers and other relationships….whether the teenager likes it or not!

How does Satan use questions to get to you? Do you struggle with questions by others in your own life when they are asked?

hugs

The day after Christmas is a special time…a reflective time for me.  This year the snow outside makes it easier to contemplate the joy that was mine this year.  It was an unusual year.  One that saw me celebrating Christmas at home while family was elsewhere.  A taste of what it is like to be without family, yet such a blessed time.

This year has brought many blessings, many unexpected gifts of experience. Chances to see and know what matters to me, when once upon a times fairy tale hopes actually came true.   The special joy of having the blessings of “I wish I coulds” come true took an unexpected turn.

It seemed when the new life was here, the old one’s polish began to show, and my heart reflected that perhaps the dreams we dreamed were not of the solid life I wished to have…and I was particularly moved that God gave me the choice to choose which walk I would continue to walk….a loving Father who said “as you please” to a wistful child…

and so in the gentlest and kindest of ways God taught me the lesson of living. Living where I am at each moment, to acknowledge and affirm His positioning of my life where it is for the purpose He pleases.

What a joyful Christmas gift.